I grew up in a very conservative Evangelical-Free Church, graduated from a mildly conservative Christian college. I then went back and served that church for 9 years as the Worship Director before finally landing in seminary, sure of my call to vocational church ministry in education.

I chose a seminary quite conservative both theologically and socially, because the story of my life is that I don't do anything easy. My time there challenged my thinking and I came out socially more liberal than I went in, and quite a bit more reformed theologically than I went in. (Which is not necessarily more conservative. I'm realizing how far from mainline evangelicalism the seminary took me. In many ways, I'm hardcore reformed, which I would not equate with evangelicalism.) The conservative theology there, if anything, made me better at critical thinking. Because when you don’t agree with everything that’s said and are like me and have a hard time shutting up about it, you have to get pretty good at articulating your position.

So, basically, my liberal friends would call me conservative. My conservative friends would call me liberal. It's often a confusing place to be.

The seminary is one that does not believe in ordaining women, whether as pastors, deacons or elders. Some churches in the denomination will allow women to be deacons, but will “commission” them rather than “ordain” then. (In order to avoid the biblical command that woman should not have authority over men.) To me, this is just semantics. But I do understand where they are coming from is allowing women to be deacons based on scripture.(Pheobe) All the other stuff? Well, I have no desire to get into that now. I have a list of books that helped shape me for you to read if you want. J 

Here’s where I’m going with this: while I’m okay with women as deacons and elders (a woman’s voice in a session meeting can be a positive thing) I never want to be a pastor. However, I’m discovering something about myself that could potentially blow my whole world apart.

This June and this last week, the senior pastor asked me to fill the pulpit. His reasoning for both were intentional: in June, he wanted a focus on education and I gave the message right before VBS week. This week was halfway into a stewardship series and he wanted me to broaden the scope to stewardship by talking about giving our time and talents, not just our money, to the church. He also is trying to not “be” the church – wanting the congregation to see that the staff has other people who can fill the pulpit. (We have a parish associate who occasionally preaches, as well as a staff person in the CLP program).

Both times I gave the message I got raves. And I’m trying not to be prideful here, but many more than just a handful of people spoke so highly of my preaching, that even days later I’m getting emails, voicemails, and notes from people about how much they were affected by it.

I also recognize that sometimes having a break from the regular preacher is why a guest has a great impact. But the words I’m hearing – from both “woman can’t be preachers” people and “woman can do whatever they want” preachers – are the same. Simply pure, unadulterated gushing.

Here’s the kicker for me: I love preaching. I love the process, the study, the formulation of a message, the practicing, the delivery on Sundays… the whole thing. I love it. Not because it’s an ego “I’m in the spot light” thing (because in my old age I really kinda hate being the center of attention). But I’m loving it because:

1.) I’m good at it and 2.) studying God’s word is fun and 3.) I’m seeing God work.

In this, I’m sensing a wave of change coming my way. It scares me and it excites me. I will probably get some de-friends out of the deal (my fellow PCA seminary grads) yet at the same time, one of the most valuable things I learned at said seminary is how God gives us a passion for what we are good at and what we are called to do. As I wrote the sermons, as I talked with people after about it, there was one simple thing running through my mind, “How can me preaching be sinful if people are hearing God’s word more clearly ?” The only conclusion I can come to is this: it’s not. But I also see preaching as sharing, and not me having authority over anyone in the church. The state of my heart is that I am not in authority. I’m just using the mind and heart God gave me to further his kingdom.  I hardly count myself as someone with authority in the scripture. I just count myself as someone redeemed by Christ and gifted at sharing God’s word with others.

I don’t know if preaching regularly is in my future. Right now, I’m living in the tension of never wanting to be a pastor, yet being really good at preaching. I do know that when I do teach and preach, I must make sure I do so without usurping the authoirty of the leadership of the church. What God will do with all this is a mystery to me. I just know I'm feeling the winds of change and I'm try not to freak out about it.